How to Cope with Finding out Your Lover is Bisexual?
So you’ve just found out that your partner is bisexual and need help to understand what to do. Well, the first thing is to relax and not let your emotions get the better of you. You really don’t want to end up doing or saying something that you will regret later. Though some people take this revelation completely in their stride, for most people this can be something that takes a lot of thinking about, before they can come to terms with it.
What does being bisexual mean?
Bisexuality simply means that a person is attracted to both sexes. As with all terminology, the exact boundaries of bisexuality are vague. Two different individuals, who have the same level of attraction towards both sexes, will often differ in their definition of their own sexuality. One of the two will claim to be bisexual while the other will claim to be heterosexual but bi-curious.
The more that bisexuality is accepted and is allowed to come out in the open, the more different definitions of what it means to be bisexual seem to come about. Recently, for example, the term ‘try-sexual’ has appeared, a term that is meant to define people who are not fully bisexual because they only fantasize or feel an attraction toward the opposite sex. These people don’t identify themselves as fully bisexual.
What is important is not to try to fixate on the exact definition of what your partner’s bisexuality means, but rather to accept that he or she is attracted to both sexes. To better help you get past this point, you should assume that there is a natural sexual element to this that may or may not have already been explored by them. This is a good way not to end up dwelling on the sexual nature of your partner’s history.
Talk to them to get as much information as you need
To start with, the most important thing is honesty. How you found out that your partner is bisexual will really set the playing field on how quickly and successfully you are able to overcome any issues. If you found out through someone else or even caught your partner in the embrace of another person, then you certainly have a lot more to cope with than if they had sat you down to tell you they are bisexual.
To debunk one of the myths about bisexual people you only need to know that liking both genders doesn’t mean that they are more likely to cheat on you or engage in any other such behavior. This is really down to the individual and is not represented by their sexuality.
When talking to your partner, you need to make sure that it is a balanced conversation where you both are open about your thoughts and feelings. Don’t dominate the conversation or let them do the same. Make sure you keep the conversation as calm as possible and definitely don’t let it descend into a shouting match.
What if you found out through someone else?
In this case, you definitely need to be aware of whether or not you have a trust issue on your hands. What is most important is how your partner was found out. If they were up to no good behind your back, then there is regrettably an issue where your trust has been broken, and as in a heterosexual relationship, this is a real problem. If on the other hand, you were informed by someone who happened to know about your partner’s past or something similar, then this is not perhaps an issue of honesty but rather that your partner has chosen not to let you into this piece of their life, for whatever reason. This is definitely something you both will need to sit down and talk about.
The bottom line is that after you have both done your talking, you need to ask yourself whether you can live with this new understanding of your partner. You should be honest with yourself and choose the option that you think you can live with. After all, there is no reason to try to continue if you know you can’t live with it and are only going to take it out on you partner through jealousy and frustration.
What kind of questions should I ask?
You should start by asking your partner about how long they have been bisexual and what his or her feelings are about it. This conversation will flow quite naturally as you will automatically think of all the important questions as they reveal their feelings. Be careful about making them feel like they are doing anything wrong as they will already have spent their life battling against social prejudices. The last thing they need is for a person they have feelings about to make them feel like they are doing something wrong.
You should definitely avoid delving into their sexual experiences too deeply as this is only going to risk making you jealous or risk you finding out something you don’t want to know. Don’t ask questions like do you prefer men or women or have you slept with more men than women? These kinds of questions will be destructive.
The main thing is to make sure that you both get a chance to talk things out. By the end of the conversation, you should have a good idea of how you are both going to move forward, so then you can begin to do so.
Our Final Thoughts
Unless your views are shaped by conservative social and religious influences, which you hold dear to your heart, then accepting your partner is bisexual is really not difficult. Provided there are no trust issues in a relationship anything is possible.
Though it might seem strange that your partner is attracted to both sexes, you only need to think about it logically to get more comfortable with it. Try to put yourself in their shoes to understand what they are going through. Since attraction is not chosen, these feelings are just who they are so they will need space to be honest about them. Imagine you met someone who is celibate, who then started judging you for your sexual desires and beliefs, and you might see things more clearly.
Ultimately, as long as you can accept your partner for who they really are and maintain the bond of trust, being with a bisexual person needs to be no different that dating a heterosexual person. Trust and honesty, are as always, the key to a successful relationship.